


Falling in Love is...

by Biosahar



Category: Jelix - Fandom, septicpie - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, M/M, Mild use of drugs, Or not, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-02 14:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biosahar/pseuds/Biosahar
Summary: ... Simple? I think not.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sebastian88](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastian88/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my friend Sebastian for discussing the random topic of love with me and inspiring me to write this fanfiction!

_Falling in love is simple._

_It begins when you least expect it, as an interest, then develops steadily as time goes by. The earliest stages are hard to pin-point, as they could easily be mistook for admiration and respect. Then that admiration grows and so does your interest. You become easily impressed and fascinated by the person. Whatever they do, however they do it, it dazzles and amazes you. You are smitten, charmed and mesmerized._

_Then come the racing heartbeats and butterflies in the stomach. Whenever you see them you’re subconsciously submitting to their influence, and the desire to be around them increases. You want to spend every moment with them, share with them, connect with them. You start noticing their bad habits and accept them, perhaps even love them. You realize you are in love._

_The last stage is the most painful of all three. You admit your feelings to yourself, you face the fact that they will never be returned, and then you decide to move on. Only that then, it's far too late._

 

Jack has gotten used to the sideline. He started there as an admirer, watching Felix through his small laptop screen and allowing himself to be captivated. He learned from him, cared for him then wished to meet him. A dream he never thought would see the day, the very day his admiration took an unusual turn.

Jack was oblivious to his growing feelings for Felix. There was a period of constant reminder that his love for the man was purely platonic, but it never lasted. As their meetings increased, Jack saw more, learned further, and fell deeper. And while his mind concealed the thoughts and his heart the feelings, his body was blatantly reacting as a last resort, a constant reminder of his hidden desires.

When the matter of the flesh become certain, further denials are fruitless. Jack was in love with Felix, and Felix wasn’t available.

So Jack returned to the sideline, except this time he wasn’t alone. He put himself out there, and found the loveliest girl of them all. From then on, everything went perfectly smooth. His feelings were genuine and reciprocated. He was in a healthy relationship and he was happy.

Right up until he sees Felix again, then everything he's built comes crashing down.


	2. Chapter 2

He’s often caught jumping at Felix’s calls, or answering his text messages a second after receiving them, dropping whatever he’s in the middle of doing to give Felix his full attention. Around Felix, Jack acts before he thinks and he’s left unguarded and vulnerable. And Felix is, well, very responsive. He makes Jack feel cared for and attended to. He is more than grateful to be his friend, but that was never enough for Jack’s insatiable heart.

They lived far from each other, so Skype calls and texts were recurrent. They spoke of everything and nothing. The late night calls that end up with one of them falling asleep on the other and the random mid-day texts were pretty common parts of their relationship. So when Jack began dating again, all contact with Felix decreased greatly, and his friend, of course, noticed.

 

“Hey, Jack. Why don’t you and Signe come visit us this weekend?” suggested Felix at random during a Skype call, the first they’ve had in weeks.

 

Jack, who was just done creating a thumbnail on Photoshop for his newest video, confusingly clicked on the wrong button, throwing his hour and a half of progress out of the window.

 

“Oh, fuck me!” He snapped.

 

“I didn’t know that was an option but I guess I could always try” Felix joked, dragging Jack’s mind to the gutter with the sexual innuendo. “What stupid shit did you do this time?”

 

“I just lost an hour of unsaved progress and I hate my life,” Jack sighed loudly, throwing himself back in his chair, deciding to take a break for the night.

 

“I’d punch myself if I did that” Felix replied, entertained by his friend’s misfortune.

 

“I’m not punching myself for your own amusement, Felix” Jack stated in a clear voice, which was a lie. Jack would do about anything to get Felix's attention and approval. Jack's hand reached for his mouse and he began scrolling down Felix's Twitter news feed in the meantime.

 

He could hear Felix’s tired laugh through his headphones. It was almost three in the morning and they both refused to go to bed. ‘Sleep is for the week’ Felix reminded him each time he complained about being tired.

 

“So, you and Signe and a weekend at our place. What’d you say?” Felix picked up after a short silence.

 

“Sure” Jack replied more calmly now that he processed the question over the past few minutes. “I mean I’ll have to ask Signe first but I think she might be free.”

 

“Great, then it’s settled!” Felix concluded in high spirit, Jack could almost see him grinning widely behind his desktop screen. It made his heart flutter.

 

“All right, I give up, I’m going to bed” Felix said near the end, dragging out a yawn. “Talk to you tomorrow?”

 

“I’ll text you” Jack assured. “Good night, Felix.”

 

“Night, Jack.”

 

After Jack ended the call, turned down his computer and got into his bed, he couldn’t fall asleep. His mind was restless, and it was constantly playing the limitless scenarios that could possibly take place during the weekend. Perhaps even some that could never possibly happen, but Jack allowed himself the occasional fantasy. After all, what's the harm in that?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for viewing and liking this work. It never fails to motivate me to write more!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.

The week went by unbelievably fast. Up until it was the day of the trip, then Jack had the feeling that everything was going painfully slow: The drive to the airport, the plane’s delay, the waiting, the flight, and then more waiting. By the time they arrived at Brighton Airport Jack’s heart was beating miles a minute. He was constantly asking Signe if Marzia texted her, since they were apparently on their way to pick them up. Ten minutes later, Jack’s phone started ringing.

 

At the sight of the caller, Jack’s grin stretched widely on his face, beaming with joy. “Felix!”

 

Felix’s laugh rose from the other side of the line. “Someone looks excited to see me”

 

It took Jack a second to notice Signe tugging on his jacket. Looking in her direction Jack caught sight of Felix and Marzia approaching them at a fast pace, Felix’s laugh getting more prominent and Marzia’s arms widening, ready to greet the both of them warmly.

 

“You’re here!” Jack said, his cheeks mysteriously warming up. His eyes flickered between Marzia and Felix, trying his best not to let them linger on the latter. But then the man in question decided to close up the distance and pull Jack into a good old hug. He squeezed him until Jack felt his bones ache and groaned, then Felix decided to let him go. Jack's face now hurting from how much he was smiling.

 

“My Irish boy! Did ye’ miss papa?”

 

 “Shut up, ol’ man” He went on teasingly punching the Swede’s arm. “Nobody missed you”

 

“Jack was super excited” Signe brought up with a little smile. “He went on _Are we there yet? Are we there yet?_   all the way to Brighton.”

 

Marzia’s stretched 'Aw' had Jack’s face gain some color. Felix still had an arm around his shoulders and when their eyes met his grin only grew wider.

 

“Come on, you two must be tired and hungry, let’s get you home.”

 

Their walk to the parking lot was quick, but it was enough to have Jack fall under the charm of Felix all over again. The man looked the same as he’s last seen him, still outrageously sexy and captivating, shining brightly and dimming his surroundings in the process, attracting all of the attention, and Jack, as bewildered as he was, gave him all of his. 

 

Arriving at the car, Jack and Signe hopped in the backseat and the car drove all the way back to Felix and Marzia’s place. The trip lasted a while, but with Felix around, Jack lost track of time.

 

The house was warm and welcoming. Jack and Signe were shown to the guest room where they first put their belongings before joining their hosts around the table. Marzia had prepared a large classic Italian lasagna for everyone to feast on. And so they ate to their heart content while sharing their most recent news. By the end of the meal, Signe insisted to help Marzia with the dishes, and the two were heard sharing further conversation in the kitchen.

 

“You want a drink?” Felix suggested once they left the dinner table.

 

“Sure, surprise me!” Jack replied vigorously.

 

They’ve switched to the living room and while Felix went to fetch them drinks, Jack sat himself on the couch and exhaled out of comfort. His stomach was full and his mood was impeccable; He couldn’t ask for anything else right now.

 

“Here you go” Felix announced, reappearing in the living room with two alcohol-filled glasses, one of them offered to Jack. “Can you guess what it is?”

 

“Ooh, thanks!” Jack accepted the drink with eagerness. He brought the glass closer to his nose, inhaling the content. “Whisky?” He guessed, eyes peaking at Felix who sat himself right beside him on the couch.

 

“Pfft. Just because I like whisky doesn’t mean I always drink it!”

 

“Wait, so what is it?” Jack asked, genuinely curious.

 

“Fuck, it’s whisky.”

 

Jack's laugh broke at Felix's answer. "Knew it!" he said.

 

They joined their glasses for a toast then took a short sip which was followed by a moment of silence, each tasting the liquid as it made its way down their throats, burning strongly in the process.

 

“Damn, this is good” Jack revealed, impressed.

 

“One of the best I’ve ever had” Felix followed, the taste still lingering in his mouth. “The finest” he added, taking a second sip and closing his eyes to dramatize his enjoyment.

 

“Isn’t that Jack’s?” Marzia asked from the kitchen door. She was making her way back with Signe, each with a bowl of popcorn in hand. “It’s the Whisky Jack got you for your birthday, right? It took you long enough to open that one.”

 

“Shut up, woman!”

 

“The one you gifted him last year?” Signe asked, glancing at Jack. Of course she knows, Jack goes on and on about Felix around her that she must've learned all the details by now.

 

“Dude, you still have it?” Jack exclaimed.

 

“Shut up, all of you” Felix muttered, “Let me drink my whisky in peace, Jesus.”

 

Jack was quite surprised and deeply touched. He knew his friend well enough, and knew that he was too big of a whisky lover to let a great bottle sit down unopened for a year.

It must’ve at least meant something to him. Or so he hoped.

 

The topic was briefly changed to what kind of movie they should watch tonight. Outvoted by the girls, they had to settle for a romantic comedy. The two couples were seated on each side of the couch and each shared their popcorn bowl. The movie began and no more words were shared.

 

Less than an hour in and Signe was already falling asleep on Jack’s shoulder. He found it adorable how she easily fell asleep during movies, although his shoulder always ends up suffering from it. The lightning in the living room was dim and the movie pace too slow if not too boring for Jack’s taste. The soundtrack lulled him to the point he started dozing off himself.

 

He tried to seek distraction away from the movie’s lame romantic scene, and glanced to his left to find Felix in a similar situation with Marzia’s head resting on his shoulder. Felix watched her with loving eyes, and leaned over to place a comforting kiss on her forehead.

 

It wasn’t a thought that crossed Jack’s mind at that moment. It was a faint sting in the heart that came unsupervised, leaving a sour taste in his mouth.

 

It was just the alcohol, he told himself.

 

Just the alcohol.


	4. Chapter 4

The mind is sometimes the enemy. When you try to shut it off, it fires back at you.

 

The more Jack tried to ignore his attraction for Felix, the stronger it got. For the past couple hours they’ve spend sharing breakfast and enjoying a walk in the city, all he could hear and see was Felix. It left Jack wondering how he could so easily love this man when all the warning signs were right there, blatantly reminding him to give up.

Being around him was refreshing, but too tiring for his heart.

 

“Should we go to the aquarium? You said you wanted to go there at least once” Jack asked, glancing at Signe whose face brightened at his suggestion.

 

“Yes, please!” She beamed. “Let’s tell the others—“

 

“Just the two of us” Jack added, his hand squeezing hers.

 

Signe paused, then smiled and nodded. She then quickly caught up to the other two who were walking slightly ahead of them.

 

“Guys, we’re going to hang out in the city some more. How about we catch up with you later for a drink?”

 

“What? No!” Felix started, his eyebrows meeting in the middle to form a displeased frown. “You guys should come along. Everyone’s gonna be there!”

 

“It’s fine, Felix” said Marzia, catching up quicker to what Signe was attempting to say. “They can join us after. I’ll text you the address later, okay? You two have fun!”

 

“Bye!” said Jack half-heartedly, hating to see the disappointed look on Felix’s face.

 

Signe gave Marzia an appreciative smile, then she and Jack turned around and walked the opposite direction. It was painful to peel himself away from the man for a couple hours, but it was necessary to calm whatever turmoil was starting to rise inside him.

 

 

The Sea Life Brighton was the best thing Jack has seen in a while. The view was wonderful and the variety of fish they got to explore was marvellous. Signe was constantly taking pictures, then tugging and pulling Jack to see the sea star crawling lazily in the depth or the clownfish swirling around itself. The shower of a hundred colourful fishes was the most beautiful scenery of all. It was as if a curtain of wonders and magic opened before their eyes.

It took the two a while to adjust back to the ground after being lost in the depth of the sea for two wonderful hours. When they left the aquarium it was already night time, and when Jack checked his phone he noticed he had an unread message.

 

_Are u ok?_

 

It was from Felix.

 

Jack read the text ten times as if it had some hidden meaning somewhere in there able to answer the questions of life. But of course it didn’t, and it didn’t help answering his own questions either.

 

_Why did Felix send this? Was it because of earlier? Did he notice something was off?_

 

Jack was perplexed, and once again Signe came to the rescue.

 

“Marzia just texted me the address of the bar” she said, checking her phone and giggling. “And apparently, Felix’s drunk.”

 

That explained it, Jack thought. Or did it? It still didn’t explain whether he’s been seen through or not, either way, Jack was ignoring that text message.

 

Thirty minutes later their cab arrived at the given address, and the couple was given directions to the bar. Upon arrival, the first thing Jack heard at the entrance was Felix’s loud voice calling his name.

 

“Jack!” he went, “Finally, Jesus!”

 

Brad and PJ were there as well and they were just as happy to see him. Well, PJ was happy and Brad was just happily drunk.

 

Marzia was quick to steal Signe away from Jack again, finding the one person she could complain to about alcohol and bars and how she wasn’t much of a fan. The two of them sat on one side of the table, PJ and Brad on the other, and the only seat left for Jack was right across from Felix.

 

“Where were you?” he complained, sounding vaguely upset.

 

“We went to the aquarium” Jack answered. “Did you miss me?”

 

“Fuck you” he blurted out. “I did.”

 

Jack laughed but Felix didn’t, and it sent an instant warning to the back of his mind. The conversation was swiftly led to what PJ thought was the new best game of the year, and they’ve all lost track of whatever they were previously talking about.

 

After a couple drinks, the group decided to move on to the next bar. It was closing up to midnight and the city was still alive, which was typical for a Saturday night. Felix was walking ahead of Jack, caught in a conversation with Brad and PJ about which place in the city has the best burgers, Marzia was walking by his side, hand in hand. Jack and Signe followed them in the back.

 

“Did something happen?” Signe asked calmly. “You and Felix haven’t done much talking this evening.”

 

Jack’s attention deviated from the group to fall back on his girlfriend. He wasn’t aware it was that obvious to a third party. It was, however, true. They haven’t talked much since Jack walked in and he was now wondering what it is he might be upset about. For leaving them and going to the aquarium alone? It's something every couple does once in a while. Was Jack missing something here?

 

“We’re good, I’m just a bit tired” Jack lied with a smile on his face, and with a kiss on her cheek, Signe believed him.

 

When Jack looked back at the group, Felix was watching them. His dark blue eyes lingered for a second or two, then turned back towards the others.

 

Although he’s done nothing to be ashamed of, Jack felt incredibly guilty. 


	5. Chapter 5

“What now?” Jack questioned, effortlessly downing his tenth and last shot. 

 

“Now you kiss my ass" Felix cursed, still struggling with his fifth shot, five more on his plate.

 

Two hours ago they were barely addressing each other, now they were sitting side by side at the bar counter chugging one shot of tequila after the other. They were both drunk, there was no doubt in that, but they were at least talking.

 

'The best bar in town', PJ called it earlier. The group's mood instantly rose after a round of beer and a good 90's playlist blasting in the background. It was almost one in the morning when the girls decided to take their leave first. Then Brad announced a drinking game challenge. The details were a blur, but it went oh so horribly wrong for everyone at the table. Brad wound up wasted, and PJ was the only slightly sober person able to walk him home. And that's the story of how Jack and Felix were left alone at the bar with twenty unfinished shots Brad never managed to drink.

 

“Finish your drinks and maybe I’ll think about it” Jack teased, his eyes landing on the four left shots in front of his friend. And what a lie, he'd kiss Felix's ass at any given chance. 

 

“I’m trying, Jesus!” Felix complained, gritting his teeth before forcing another shot down his throat and slamming the glass down on the counter. “Fucking Brad! Why’d we have t'clean up after him?”

 

“’Cause that idiot paid fifty bucks for this" Jack replied as a matter of fact. 

 

"Sixty five" The bartender corrected. 

 

Jack briefly glanced her way. The woman was watching them since Brad ordered the twenty shots and left, now she was patiently waiting for Jack and Felix to do the same. Jack didn’t have it in him to give up. And whatever their challenge was in the first place, like any other drinking game, the key to winning was to consume every last drop.

 

“C’mon, Felix!” Jack urged, turning his attention back to the Swede “If you’re not drinking them, I will.”

 

“No!” Felix broke out, slapping Jack’s hand away from his precious shots, then circling his long arms around them in a protective manner. He was so drunk he nearly knocked two glasses down in the process. “You touch my drinks, you dead.”

 

Jack heard the bartender laugh in the back. It made his blood boil with impatience.

 

“Hey!” Felix shouted, watching Jack steal the four shots from underneath his nose and consuming one after the other.

 

He shouldn’t have, Jack knew that. His alcohol tolerance must be higher than the average, but fourteen shots are usually enough to send anyone’s world spinning. But when their eyes met and the bartender gave Jack a nod of acknowledgment, Jack couldn't feel prouder. 

 

“Dude, you have a girlfriend” Felix spat loud enough for the bartender to hear. “Stop showing off!” 

 

“I'm not showing off!” Jack denied. "And why are you screaming at me?"

 

"'Cause you're fucking annoying, that's why!" 

 

"Jesus, Felix, calm down" Jack lowered his voice, in an attempt to settle what to the rest of the bar looked like a rising argument.

 

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!"

 

Felix was angry again and Jack could tell it wasn't because of the drinks. His frown was clear upon his forehead and he was at the edge of his seat. The moment Jack tried laying an apologizing hand on his shoulder, he snapped.

 

"Fuck this, I'm out" 

  
And just like that, Felix got up and stormed out of the bar, forgetting his jacket behind. Jack was confused and the alcohol getting to his head wasn't helping. So he did what anyone would do in this situation: grab the man's jacket and go after him.

 

The air outside was ice cold and it had Jack wrap himself in his thin trench coat while making his way down the street. Felix shouldn't have made it too far, and the simple thought of losing him had Jack pick up the pace. Taking a right, Jack caught sight of the Swede a couple feet ahead trying to cross the road. With a heavily intoxicated mind, he somehow managed to run all the way to the other side of the road safely. Felix had noticed him by now, but still carried on storming ahead.

 

"Felix, come on!" Jack shouted, realizing his voice was hoarse and that he's been calling the Swede the entire time. "I don't know what I did, but I'm really sorry! Can you at least talk to me, please?"

 

Felix eventually slowed down and Jack was able to catch up to him. Only from up close was Jack able to see his red cheeks and blue-tinted lips. He was trembling with both anger and cold.

 

"Put this on" Jack insisted, helping his taller friend fit into his jacket. "Are you okay?" He found himself asking in a low, gentle tone, while buttoning up Felix's jacket. 

 

"Okay, my ass" answered Felix in an unsteady, broken voice. "When're you planning to f'king tell me? In twenty years?"

 

Jack's face froze all of a sudden, and all he could manage was a "What?" spoken out of breath. 

 

"Y'think I wouldn't notice? Come on, dude" he sighed, running a hand through his messy blond locks in pure disbelief, "I know you have a crush on me. And funny thing is I'm totally fine with it. But you know what fucking pisses me off? You not doing anything about it. It freaking annoys the shit out of me!"

 

Jack didn't say anything at first. He just stood there and took whatever Felix was throwing at him. 

 

"I hate how you look at me like I'm a fucking god, 'cause I'm not, I'm a twisted piece of shit." Felix continued, "I wasn't even available and I kept leading you on. I don't know what the hell I was expecting to get out of it. God, I fucking hate myself."

 

"Felix" Jack started.

 

"No, Jack, I'm not done" He went on, "I thought it'll be all fun and giggles having you hang around for the weekend. Now my ass is just pissed whenever I see you around her. She's freaking awesome, dude, and I'm just fucking worthless in comparison."

 

"Felix!" 

 

"Even Marzia knows, y'know? She knows everything and she's still with me! What kind of asshole am I to deserve that? Everyone should just kick me to the curb and move on-"

 

"Felix, shut the fuck up!"

 

Jack's third attempt was a success and the Swede was instantly silenced. He looked down to his feet, his bright blue eyes holding back the tears. So Jack approached him, circling his arms around his trembling body and pulling him into a gentle embrace. 

 

"We'll talk about this tomorrow when we're calm and sober, okay?" He assured in a soothing voice while rubbing Felix's back.

 

"Fuck tomorrow" he stubbornly muttered in a trembling voice, pulling away from the embrace and gazing right into Jack's eyes. 

 

Next thing Jack knew he was kissing a drunk Felix in the middle of the street at four in the morning, and he regrets loving every bit of it.


	6. Chapter 6

It was day time when Jack opened his eyes to the blinding sunshine penetrating through the large windows of the bedroom. He was lying on bed in yesterday’s clothes, shoes still on. Aching pain pulsed through his head like a sledgehammer and his stomach turned upside down. He hated his life when it involved hangovers.

 

He lazily looked to his side, catching sight of Felix’s thin body occupying the spot beside him, face deep into the pillow and snoring faintly. His blond locks were a mess but he at least got rid of his shoes… And jacket and shirt and pants. Wait, why was Felix half naked again?

 

All of yesterday night’s events were a blur and it took Jack a moment to wrap his mind around the major parts: upsetting Felix, sharing twenty tequila shots, kissing Felix.

 

Oh my _fucking_ god. They kissed.

 

And Jack can’t remember _anything_ past that.

 

He promised himself not to freak out in case something happens during his stay at Felix’s this weekend. Jack was mentally prepared and ready for the worst case scenarios. But on his numerous list of possibilities _fucking_ kissing Felix was nowhere to be found.

 

His mental alarm went off when Felix’s body shuffled beside him. Jack jumped to the edge of the bed, nearly falling off. His heart was pounding violently in his chest, and the sight of Felix in boxers spread out in bed with his back curved so beautifully wasn’t helping at all. The second time Felix shuffled Jack was sent running to the bathroom.

 

The cold shower helped immensely with his hangover and he was eventually able to relax. By the time he dried his hair and rolled a towel around his waist to walk to the guest room, Jack realized that it wasn’t Felix’s house but flat that they spent the night at. Jack recognized the place because Felix would constantly force him through video tours during their late Skype calls, bragging about his collection of games, or his new consoles. 

 

He has never physically been here before, but Jack was already familiar with the large TV and the cosy white couch in the living room, the hanging black shelves cramped with video games and the dozen consoles Felix owned kept neatly on a shelf on their own, dusted off and taken care of far more frequently in comparison to the the rest of the apartment. In a way, this place was Felix’s man-cave, and being able to visit made Jack’s chest flutter with excitement.

 

However, his excitement quickly died when Jack remembered his clothes were back at Felix's other place. So Jack was forced back inside the danger zone: Felix’s bedroom. The man was still spread on the bed like a star fish, limbs tangled within the warm blanket they apparently shared all night. There it goes, his heart picking up the pace again as Jack sneak-walked his way to Felix's wardrobe.

 

The moment he opened the wardrobe's door, the intense rush of Felix’s scent washed over Jack like a whirlwind. He focused on the task in hand, fiddling through the shirts until he picked one he liked, a black, long-sleeve shirt with a cartoon-style cat face printed in the middle. He felt like a pervert going through his boxers next, and decided to pick one at random before his mind could wander off somewhere else, then at last, he settled for a pair of black skinny jeans that fit him rather perfectly.  

 

Once he was done, Jack closed the wardrobe door to check out his reflection. His gaze fell on Felix lying on the bed just like he left him, except his eyes were half-open and he seemed to have been watching Jack for some time now.

 

“Jesus!” Jack exclaimed “You scared the shit out of me” He blurted out, trying to ease the awkwardness. “Thought you were asleep.”

 

“Your naked ass woke me up” Felix mumbled lazily, a stretched grin making Jack wonder if he’s seen him naked. God, Jack would die of embarrassment if he did.

 

“Hope you don’t mind” Jack lightly pulled on the shirt’s fabric. “Can’t believe we walked to your flat instead. All of my shit is back at your house.”

 

“Right-- Fuck!” Felix suddenly shouted, startling Jack for a second. He turned around to watch Felix squeezing his head. His hangover was kicking in.

 

“Cold shower helps, man” Jack suggested, his eyes lingering a bit over Felix’s half-naked body. His muscles barely existed but they were prominent enough to give his body a refined figure. Jack always thought it made him look sexy.

 

“God, what the fuck did we do last night?” Felix rubbed the back of his neck, he must’ve pulled a muscle there.

 

Jack’s heart skipped a beat at the hearing of that question. ‘Oh nothing much, you just poured your heart out to me, we made out in the middle of the street and then we fell asleep on the same bed’ Jack wished he could casually answer, but it was far more complicated than that.

 

“What d’you remember?” He asked first, testing the water.

 

“We went to that fancy as shit bar, what was it called again? Fuck, I don't remember, anyway” Felix started “After a couple beers Brad made up this drinking game, whoever says ‘fuck’ throughout the night needs to chug down, and then he was so wasted PJ had to walk him back. Weak-ass bitch."

 

“Remember the shots?” Jack hinted.

 

“Fuck yeah I do, and then…” Felix suddenly stopped, throwing Jack a sudden glare, as if he just remembered something. Jack froze.

 

“Did I pass out?” Felix guessed “Is that it? Holy shit, did you have to ,like, drag me all the way here? Fuck I’m so sorry man!”

 

Jack’s heart sank. So Felix doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember what happened between them and he most likely doesn’t remember the kiss.  

 

“Dude, don’t ask me” Jack lied, forcing out a laugh. “I had fourteen motherfucking shots, remember?”

 

“Oh fuck, shit, you did” Felix laughed “You were showing off to that pretty waitress, right? Don’t worry about that, by the way, I won’t tell Signe. I know you guys are serious ‘n shit.”

 

“You better fucking not” Jack laughed along, then watched Felix force himself up and grab his phone from the night stand.

 

“Marzia must be freaking out” He quickly dialled her number and stood to his feet. “Can you make us some coffee? I’ll just let the girls know we’re here”

 

“Gotcha” Jack agreed, then watched Felix walk out to the living room.

 

A long exhale escaped his lungs. Now Jack was faced with a choice. 

 

He could keep up the act. They could ignore it, pretend yesterday never happened and continue being the way they were before. But then again, Felix might not remember last night but he still  _knows_ about Jack’s feelings, and that alone was a huge eye-opener. Jack still can’t believe that all this time, Felix knew yet never brought it up.

 

Now Jack was angry at Felix. How could he so easily forget last night? Why can’t he be the one to remember and Jack the one to forget? God, he hated being in this position, he hated it but also couldn’t do anything about it.

 

Felix’s voice was loud and clear in the living room as Jack walked through the flat to reach the kitchen. His hangover was kicking back in and he was in deep need of a cup of coffee. The coffee machine was up and ready, and all Jack had to do was click random buttons until the hot liquid started spilling into his mug.

 

He watched the cup fill up absentmindedly, reminiscing on what happened last night. No matter how foggy his drunken mind was, he could clearly remember the taste of Felix’s hot lips burning against his in the cold of the night. Felix tasted like beer and tequila and something else entirely amazing, the kiss was everything Jack wished for and better than any fantasy he’s ever had. If he could, he would relive that moment a thousand times over. 

 

“Are you done yet?”

 

Jack was shaken back to reality when Felix’s figure entered his vision, an empty mug in hand.

 

“You alright there?” He asked, picking up Jack’s coffee mug and placing his underneath the coffee maker. Jack was silent through the process. He didn’t say a word until half of the mug was full, and Felix’s frown was apparent on his face. “Jack?” He repeated.

 

“God, this is fucking awkward.”

 

Jack pushed his back against the kitchen counter across from the coffee machine and threw his glance aside. He couldn’t play the ignorant game, this wasn’t working.

 

“Dude, I know you know about me” Jack confessed, his eyes searching for anything else to lay on.

 

“Jack?” Felix’s voice cracked, sounding more serious than ever. “What the fuck happened, Jack?”

 

“We were fucking wasted last night and you snapped at me for showing off to the bartender and then…” Jack took a moment to bring his hand up to his face, hiding the shame that was painted all over it. “We fucking made out, Felix. In the middle of the fucking street ‘cause we were fucking stupid and shit-drunk.”

 

Jack’s voice was trembling at the end, and he feared the worst, all those scenarios he played in his head whenever he would imagine Felix finding out about his feelings, they all rushed into his mind at once. And somewhere, in the back of his mind, a small voice muttered ‘Good job, you fucking ruined it’, because that’s what he just did. He ruined everything.

 

“Jesus Christ” Felix’s soft voice reached him, and out of shame Jack couldn’t even look him in the eye right now.

 

“So, uh” Felix continued, “What happened after that? Did we, like…” Felix didn’t finish his sentence but Jack understood the reference.

 

“I don’t think so” Jack finally brought his head up, catching sight of Felix’s face. He looked confused and embarrassed all that once, but he wasn’t angry. Somehow that calmed Jack down. “I mean I woke up in my shoes, I must’ve passed the fuck out the sooner we got here”

 

“Fuck man, I’m really sorry” Felix instantly apologized, his voice softer than ever. “I mean, like, you must’ve felt like crap having me ask you what happened and shit. I feel like a fucking ass right now.”

 

“Dude, it’s all right” Jack said, raising his head a bit higher to finally take in a full view of Felix. 

 

“Maybe we can like, uh, I don’t know, talk it out sometime?” Felix suggested, his eyebrows slightly perking up, his expression turning into one of compassion. “Is that okay with you? D’you wanna talk about it? I mean, I don’t want to force you to, like if you want, man, we could just forget about it and all, but if you want to talk about it then-”

 

“Jesus, Felix, chill” Jack interrupted with a chuckle. “How about we sit our asses down and drink some coffee first? My head's killing me.”

 

“Y-Yeah, that sounds cool too” Felix shrugged, smiling softly. 

 

Jack sat down around the table and Felix made them toast and scrambled eggs. They had a nice meal and laughed about how Marzia and Signe slept until late and didn't even realize the two didn't make it home last night. They joked about how they could get kidnapped and neither of their girlfriends would even notice.

 

Coming clean about it all was the right way to go. Now whatever happens next, Jack was sure he would be able to take it. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was crawling deep into depression while in the midst of writing this one down. I didn't sleep last night but as I wrote further I felt calmer and number to everything but the beauty and happiness of writing . And just like that I awoke today ready to kick depression's ass into the sunset.
> 
> It's in times like these that I remember how thankful I am for being a writer. 
> 
> Ps: This chapter is lengthier than all of the previous ones, enjoy!

 

Now that Jack became aware of Felix’s thoughts and feelings –or at least the parts the drunken Swede was able to reveal-, he was starting to perceive Felix’s actions under an entirely different light.

 

During their lunch outside at the five-star French restaurant Marzia proudly picked and Signe approved, Jack noticed Felix was giving him his entire attention whenever spoken to. He was still his playful, humorous self, and fought and teased Jack on multiple occasions, but at times he would be too sweet, and would shower Jack with compliments while wearing his most honest and earnest expression Jack has ever seen on him. 

 

It was only later in the evening after Jack crawled in bed that the realization hit him. He might have been too blinded by his unrequited love and too absorbed by his feelings to notice Felix’s own. He remembered Felix mentioning his anger at the sight of Jack and Signe’s intimacy the day before. Perhaps it is a form of jealousy. Perhaps,and as much as Jack hated clinging unto false hope, Felix shared some of Jack's feelings.

 

Jack’s mind was suddenly too active, too awake to be able to fall asleep. He reached for his smartphone and sought distraction through his social network news feed for the next ten minutes. Then a message popped up from the active Whatsapp application he had left open, Felix's name displayed on top.

 

_Go sleep ur plane leaves in 8 hours_

 

Jack found himself foolishly smiling at the text message.

 

_Can’t. Coffee after dinner just kicked in_

 

Which was a big lie, because the reason Jack couldn’t fall sleep was all Felix. He nearly dropped his phone when it vibrated three times in a row. Felix was a goddamn fast texter.

 

_Looser_

 

_Can’t sleep 2_

 

_Chill with me on the back porch?_

 

The invitation came as bit of a surprise. Jack didn't think Felix would still be up at this hour. It was a little before midnight and everyone in the house was supposed to go to bed an hour ago. Jack then thought it through, and concluded that it wouldn’t hurt if he went to bed a little late tonight, after all, he could always get some shut-eye on the plane back home if he wakes up tired. 

 

_Back home._

 

Something in Jack’s chest clenched as he was reminded that his weekend at Felix’s was coming to an end. He wished he could extend his stay; but both he and Signe had their lives to get back to, the stress, the work and the daily routine. Just thinking about it all had Jack's mood drop.

 

He sneaked out of bed, making sure not to wake Signe up in the process. The light of the full moon shined brightly through the dark hallway, lighting up Jack’s path through the calm house. Everything was quiet, and he could clearly hear the crackling sound of his footsteps against the wooden floor as he crossed the living room towards the backdoor.

 

The door to the porch was wide open and the cold breeze brushed against Jack's exposed limbs making him shudder. He had a T-shirt on and a pair of summer shorts that he wore to bed, and he thought about turning back to pick up something warmer, but then his eyes caught sight of a line of smoke in the darkness of the porch, and when Jack stepped over the threshold he was right there. 

 

Felix was lying on a cosy and comfortable wooden bench. His black sweater contrasted perfectly with the blond of his hair, and his fair skin glowed under the bright moonlight. His icy blue eyes were focused on the screen of his smartphone. There was a cigarette between his lips, its tip burned slowly as the smoke got carried away by the occasional breeze. He was also nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels, though it was left on the wooden table, untouched and full. 

 

“Dude, you smoke?” Jack broke the silence of the scenery to announce his arrival.

 

“Jesus!” Felix jumped in his bench, startled. At the sight of Jack, he let out a hearty laugh. “You scared the crap out of me, man.”

 

“Pussy” Jack chuckled.

 

“Fuck you”

 

Jack caught sight of a blanket laying on the armchair across from Felix. He picked it up and wrapped himself in it before taking a seat. Felix had sat himself up and crossed his legs while facing Jack, phone still in hand.

 

“On and off” Felix then answered the former question as he captured the cigarette with his long thin fingers. Jack watched it slowly combust, its fire reflecting beautifully in the Swede's eyes. “Like once or twice a week. Sometimes once a month. You know, just for the rush of it, like I’m not a fan of the taste and it stinks if you smoke too much. Want a drag?”

 

Jack was in no position to judge. He had friends who smoked, and he was totally fine with it. He even tried a cigarette once or twice at parties. But ever since he started dating Signe he hasn’t been partying that much in the first place.

 

Jack’s hand sneaked from underneath the blanket and went to seize the cigarette from between Felix’s fingers. Felix didn’t seem to mind, but looked mildly surprised, and he followed it until it landed in between Jack’s lips. Jack didn’t know what he was doing or why he was doing it, but under the bright moonlight that shined over the darkness of the backyard, and in the company of the man who made his heart palpitate by just lying on a boring bench and scrolling down his phone, he felt like he was allowed a stupid smoke.

 

Jack took a slow, steady drag and watched the half-consumed cigarette ignite back to life. He felt a slight burn form in his throat which moved down to his lungs and almost made him cough, but he held it, and threw his head back against the chair, allowing his eyes to catch sight of the moon in all its glory before he could deeply exhale. The line of smoke drifted past his lips and into the cold air, dissipating away from sight.

 

When Jack lowered down his head he caught Felix staring, and at that point he couldn’t tell whether it was just the cigarette rush or Felix’s stare was genuinely intense.

 

“Drink?” The Swede offered, eyes escaping towards the bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He pulled two glasses from the table drawer and put them on the surface of the table, then began filling up the first.

 

“Cheap Whisky’s always good” Jack remarked, allowing himself another drag. “You do this a lot?”

 

Felix handed over the half-filled glass to Jack then picked up his own. “The drinking or the back porch chilling?”

 

“Both” Jack answered, holding onto his glass and returning the almost burned out cigarette.

 

“Whenever I can’t sleep or have too much on my mind” he explained, taking one last and long drag before putting the cigarette out. This time the smoke slipped past his nostrils and Jack thought it looked extremely sexy when he does that. “Man, I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow. I’m gonna miss your stupid Irish ass.”

 

“My stupid Irish ass is gonna miss you too” Jack replied, downing the content of his drink at once. He wondered what could be keeping Felix awake tonight. Perhaps what happened earlier between them? Could it be that Felix’s still worried about it? They didn’t mention anything about  _the talk_  throughout the day, so Jack assumed they were doing it another time, maybe over Skype or a phone call.

 

Felix went quiet for a while and Jack watched him bring out some material and roll what looked like a joint.

 

“Again?” He questioned with a huff, until Jack noticed the substance Felix was using this time, then it hit him. “Jesus fuck, are you serious?”

 

“Ever smoked weed, Jack?” Felix wondered, a dirty grin appearing on his lips. “Or you’re too chicken?”

 

“Dude, last time I checked Amsterdam was miles away” Jack scoffed. “Where’d you even get that shit?”

 

“Have you heard of dealers?” Felix’s tone was sarcastic.

 

Felix was done rolling the joint in less than a minute, talk about experience, and then brought it up to drag the tip of his tongue over the edge of the paper for the final touch, fixing the filter with his thumb while at it. Jack couldn’t take his eyes off him. Why did it turn him the fuck on to watch Felix do illegal shit? He must have a serious problem.

 

He watched Felix light up the joint and his heart literally skipped a beat. He watched him take small consecutive drags before holding it in for about five seconds and releasing the smoke into the air. The smell of grass was strong but Jack preferred it by far over the smell of cigarettes.

 

“Wanna go?” Felix asked after taking his second drag, hand stretched and offering Jack the joint.

 

“Why do I feel like you’re gonna fuck me over before sending my baked ass back to Ireland?” Jack laughed, part of him getting all giddy and excited by this.

 

His hand reached out for the joint and this time the touch of Felix’s cold fingers against his own sent a little shockwave through his body. Jack could see Felix watching him intently as he brought the filter-tip to his lips and took a slow drag, experimenting. He blew out rather fast and realized it wasn’t much different from smoking cigarettes except the taste slightly improved in comparison.

 

Felix didn’t comment, and was soon busy pouring himself and Jack some more Jack Daniels while briefly checking through his phone for new messages. Jack wanted to have his entire attention, and so he took another, longer drag, watching the tip of the joint burn up faster as he held the smoke in for longer than five seconds. The action sent a sudden rush to his head and Jack’s heart picked up the pace as he closed his eyes and sat back to enjoy it.

 

The high, oh god, was it good. Jack felt relaxed, amazing, and the breeze of cold wind felt comfortable against his warm cheeks. He felt like he was floating in the air, melting into it. It was incredible, but the feeling was quick to wither, and he was soon opening his eyes to Felix’s wide blue hues staring at him in pure disbelief.

 

Felix burst out laughing. A loud, genuine laugh that made his eyes wrinkle on the sides and his perfect white teeth flash brightly. He looked so gorgeous that Jack thought Felix's smile should be just as illegal as weed. 

 

“Do you wanna get fucking stoned or what?” Felix eventually calmed down, almost tearing up from how much he laughed. He snatched the joint away from Jack who was aiming for a third drag. “Ey! It’s  _my_  turn.”

 

Jack nestled his glass of Jack Daniel’s and sat back in his armchair, basking in the happiness of having made this beautiful man laugh his heart out. He watched Felix light up the joint that slightly began losing its spark. Once it burned back into life again, Felix took a lungful drag, except this time, his eyes were fixed on Jack as he did.

 

Jack froze in his seat, feeling both agitated and anxious under Felix’s disarming stare. The Swede put his phone away, then motioned with his hand for Jack to get closer. Jack’s eyebrows curved into a confused frown and he hesitantly leaned over the table that separated them. His confusion turned into astonishment when Felix’s face approached his and a gentle steady hand took hold of his jaw. Felix angled his head slightly to the side, and Jack’s heart raced at the realization of how close their lips were to one another, and then with a blow, Felix was puffing out the thick cloud of smoke between Jack’s parted lips. Jack realized what he was doing, and breathed it all in, feelings the rush cloud his mind again, except this time Jack was sure it was Felix’s doing, not the joint’s.

 

And while the moment ended and Felix was regaining his seat back on the bench with a dirty smile covering his face, motioning for Jack to return the favor, Jack felt like he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

 

They were just sharing a smoke, he reminded himself while he was sliding out of his blanket and back into the cold air again. He couldn’t bring himself to break the eye contact now that Felix’s attention was entirely and solely on him. So Jack moved to the bench and half climbed on it with one leg curled over the seat and the other balancing his weight on the ground, his hand moved to seize what was left of the consumed joint and bring it to his mouth. He inhaled so deep the fire eventually grazed his fingertips and he was forced release it, letting the chunk drop into the ground. His eyes fell down on Felix, the man was watching him with those intense sinful eyes, and the second he felt the one hand grip his hip and pull on it, Jack’s reason was gone.

 

He released the blow into Felix’s perfect mouth, the temptation too strong he found himself leaning over further, losing balance and connecting their lips together. The smell of grass so strong it lingered in each other’s taste. There was a hint of Whisky at the tip of Felix’s tongue and the way his lips grazed against his own, so eager and passionate, had Jack lose his sanity.

 

Fuck, he was getting hard.

 

Felix was quick to notice, and Jack could swear he was smirking into the kiss. He placed the palm of his hand against the small of Jack’s back and made him fall on his lap, Jack was sure he moaned into his mouth at some point, but it was all hazy, and all his senses were barely working at this point.

 

This was different from when they shared that drunk kiss. Even the slightest bit high, Jack was still strongly aware, and so was Felix, and the two were acting out of pure will, they both  _wanted_  this. 

 

“Fuck” Felix breathed out once their lips parted, his mouth was swollen and his cheeks flushed. He was so fucking beautiful, Jack wouldn’t wonder why he always felt like jumping him. “Can I even fucking ask for more? Am I even, like, allowed t’do that?"

 

“The fuck would I know” Jack laughed, breathless. He was basically sitting on Felix’s lap at this point, so he decided to move back to his side of the bench before he could make any more bad decisions. They still didn’t have their  _talk_ , and perhaps now was the perfect time to do so before this -whatever it is that was starting between them- could go any further. “Should we, maybe, talk-"

 

Felix's eyes were fixed on Jack’s crotch and Jack caught him biting onto his bottom lip so hard it swell. He was already on edge, but noticing how Felix was dying to touch him had him lose his  _fucking_  sense of reason.

 

_"Fuck"_

 

And that was the last thing he remembered whispering under his breath before Felix was all over him and he was all over Felix.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not everything beautiful ends beautifully. 
> 
> But then this is not the end, is it?

 

Monday morning Brighton welcomed the visit of a heavy rainstorm.

 

The drops of rain clattering against the window glass woke Jack up from his slumber. His dreams left a bittersweet taste in his mouth, the details of which he sadly couldn’t remember. His heavy eyelids closed once more for the fraction of a second, seeking to return to the comfort of the bed, to sink in, to wish never to rise up again. Then soft hands gently grasped his arm, and Jack, forcefully opening his eyes, caught sight of Signe’s bright face.

 

“Good morning, Jack” She said with a lovely warm smile. “It’s half past five, time to get ready.”

 

Jack groaned in complaint. He wondered how she could manage to be so lively and excited so early in the morning. Unlike her, Jack felt tied to his bed, heavy and exhausted. He barely had any sleep and perhaps yesterday's events were the reason. 

 

The moments he shared with Felix last night were still a fresh memory in his mind, and in their sweetness Jack was left in a daze. He was constantly asking himself whether it really happened, and once met with certainty his stomach would submit to a knot followed by a rush of excitement that kicked him completely awake. At the sight of Signe, however, that excitement turned into pure guilt.

 

“That’s the spirit” the young woman chuckled, walking over to the wardrobe.

 

She began brushing her hair while eyeing a tired Jack through the reflection of the wardrobe mirror. The action reminded Jack of yesterday morning, when he caught Felix staring at him through the mirror. His heart throbbed. For some reason he felt unwell.

 

“Did you catch any sleep?” Signe wondered, Jack noticed her eyes examining him. “You have bags under your eyes.”

 

Jack rubbed them as a response. They burned.

 

“Nightmares” he lied. “I need a shower”

 

“Okay” she answered with a soft yet uncertain smile. She chose not to push further and instead carry on with her daily routine.

 

Jack stood up, picked the set of clothing Signe had previously prepared for him and left at the side of the night stand, then rushed out of the room. There were loud noises coming from the kitchen. Hearing closely, Jack could pick up Felix and Marzia’s voices arguing in the distance. Jack has never heard them fight before, and as anxiety began crippling in, Jack forced his way into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and muffling every bit of noise that attempted to reach his ears.

 

The burning water comforted Jack's body yet failed to calm his unsettled nerves. His heart rate grew irregular and he felt dizzy, yet he insisted on blaming it on exhaustion and lack of sleep. Ten minutes later and he was still hearing the shadow of Felix and Marzia's voices from the kitchen across the hallway.

 

_Could it be that Marzia has found out about yesterday?_

 

Jack’s angst was inflating. He was reminded by the kiss he and Felix shared a night ago, he remembered how it took them an hour before they've decided, full of desires yet exhausted, to retreat back to their respective beds and pretend like nothing has ever happened. They never got around talking it out, a mistake Jack will certainly forever regret.

 

Jack took his time fitting into his clothes. He was last to join the breakfast table in the kitchen where everyone was already reunited.

 

The atmosphere of the room revealed itself to be dense and heavy. Aside from Signe's impeccably bright smile, Felix and Marzia weren’t addressing each other. Jack sat himself across from them and his mind throbbed in the process, screaming at him, condemning him for everything that was currently happening. It wasn't helping, but he found himself seeking the partial peace in blaming one's self, the naive belief that once he is omitted from the equation, everything could successfully fall back into place again.

 

“Good morning Jack” said Marzia with a smile. Although genuine, her smile bore a hint of sadness. “So you two are already leaving, huh? Here I was getting used to being around Signe and all.”

 

Signe chuckled, beaming in response. Jack’s eyes fell on Felix and he found himself briefly caught by the bright blue hues that were fixing him for what looked like an eternity. Jack swiftly peeled his glance away from that terrible addictive pair. 

 

“We, uh, didn’t want to wake you up” He cleared up, “It’s too early. We could just call a taxi.”

 

“It’s cool” Felix answered, his fork poking his scrambled eggs and bacon stripes. He seemed disinterested in his meal. “I still wanna drive you two, anyway.”

 

“Sorry” Marzia apologized immediately “I won’t be able to join. I feel a little bit sick, so I should probably stay home.”

 

A lie, Jack could tell. She seemed perfectly healthy. She just couldn’t stand occupying the same car as the man she was arguing with earlier, the man Jack was heatedly making out with a couple hours ago.

 

_Fuck._

 

_What has he done?_

 

“Don’t apologize!” Signe once again came to the rescue, wearing her usual bright smile. By now, Jack was wondering if she wasn't just putting an act, too. The depressing mood was visible to the blind, after all. “With this weather it’s common to get a cold." she continued, "You should be careful, Marzia. Remember to drink a lot of tea, it helps.”

 

Marzia smiled at her. Jack has never seen her expression so hurt and bitter. She was first to rise from the table, putting her plate in the sink and excusing herself to the bathroom.

 

There was an awkward silence between the three left people in the kitchen. Felix was still poking his food, refusing to bring any of it to his mouth, and Jack was forcing more food down his stomach, mistaking anxiety's pain for hunger.

 

“Oh and Felix,” Signe brought up once again, breaking the silence, “Thank you for having us this weekend. Me and Jack had an amazing time. Right Jack?”

 

Signe turned towards the green-haired, pale-looking man. She laid a hand upon his and Jack understood the motion, he was supposed to help ease the mood. Jack was quick to force a smile and nod his head in response.

 

“No way,” Felix forced out a chuckle, “Marzia and I are happier to have you guys around.”

 

Jack noticed Felix’s eyes falling over his and Signe’s joined hands, a glimpse that made him instantly lose his forced smile and focus his tired blue eyes back on his unappetizing food.

 

_What in hell has he done?_

 

_What in hell has Jack done?_

 

Bitterness, tension and gloominess tainted the mood for the rest of that morning. Marzia never showed up to say goodbye and Signe looked sad dragging her suitcase out of the house and towards the car. Just like the rest of them, she seemed to have reached her limit and stopped pretending everything was fine. She was probably blaming herself at this point, and Jack felt sorry for her. 

 

Jack sat himself in the front next to Felix and Signe retreated to the back of the car seeking comfort in her laptop, nose deep into digital sketching. Felix was quiet for the majority of the trip. He didn’t address Jack except for asking common questions such as whether he wished to borrow an umbrella or a blanket just in case there was a delay. Jack responded to the statements with just as much coldness, his heart far too heavy, too pained to address the real concern.

 

The entirety of their trip to the airport Jack spent it blaming himself. He was suffocating underneath the weight of his actions. He had forced himself on Felix, he displayed his feelings, he made Felix react, reach out, and once Felix did, he did not refuse him and instead, he led him in. Jack led Felix in. Jack was the reason Felix’s desires developed. He confused him, he tempted him. Now, Jack had to watch Felix's long lasting relationship with his girlfriend suffer the consequences of his selfish act.

 

By the time they reached the airport Jack's stomach couldn't take it, he was in the verge of throwing up. The rain was falling heavily, and Jack thought it ironically reflected his inner turmoil. He deserved this. He deserved this pain as much as the city deserved this storm. 

 

“Jack” Felix announced as soon as he helped him and Signe drag their suitcases inside the airport hall and away from the cold outside. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

 

Signe smiled at Jack before grabbing the suitcases and motioning the two away.

 

“Go ahead. There’s thirty more minutes before the plane arrives. I’ll get us some coffee.”

 

Jack knew he didn’t have a say in this the moment Felix’s firm hand took grasp of his wrist and dragged him away from everyone's sight. They walked away from the main hall, taking a left into a corner that led to the bathrooms, then stopped at the dead-end which threatened to be empty. 

 

Jack didn't know where to begin at the sight of how Felix's stance stiffened, appearing both perplexed and anxious. The Swede had heavy bags under his eyes, he appeared more restless than Jack, probably hadn’t slept at all. Yet again, it was all Jack’s fault. If only he had restrained himself at that moment, if only he hadn't kissed him so impulsively. None of this, none of it would’ve happened.

 

“You’re wrong” Felix argued, and that was when Jack realized he had spoken his mind out loud. “It wouldn’t have changed anything. I still would’ve done it anyway."

 

Jack looked Felix over. The Swede had his hands buried deep inside the pockets of his black skinny jeans. His tired eyes lost their shine. His parted lips were dry, dragging soft blasts of air in attempt to keep calm. He looked rigid, self-conscious, uncertain. 

 

_Why?_

 

_Why did he do this?_

 

“How did she find out?” Jack found himself asking, words slipping his lips before his mind could even process them.

 

“S-She saw us” Felix answered with drained air. His figure twitched as he lowered his gaze to his feet. “She is used to me smoking downstairs. She wanted to check on me and-”

 

“And then found me launching myself at you.” Jack finished bitterly. “Just tell her I did it, Felix.”

 

“No” Felix groaned, shaking his head. “I can't”

 

“Why the fuck not? You can avoid this entire mess. Just tell her it was my doing!”

 

“Fuck, Jack!” Felix spat in anger. “It’s not that easy. She fucking knows!”

 

There was a silence, and Felix’s eyes constantly switched towards the huge clock hanging in the hallway. With every passing minute, his tongue would drag over his dry lips. With every minute, Jack’s heart was sinking.

 

“She knew way before I did” Felix began, mustering his courage. His speech hasted, he seemed conscious of the time they had left. “She knew the day we first met 'cause I couldn’t stop talking about you. She just... She knew. I didn’t. Then I started noticing your behavior, I started noticing your stares. It took me a while, a long _fucking_ while to realize I didn't mind it, that I actually _liked_ it. I liked the way you looked at me Jack, and I... I told her. A while ago, I just told her that I liked you."

 

There was a halt in his tone, as if Felix was not yet done telling Jack the entirety of his thoughts, that he had more details to address, more feelings to express, but he was forced to stop. His eyes were dragged towards the big clock again, and this time he drew a pained sigh.

 

“We should forget it” Felix finished, his eyes closing, as if he was trying to escape this moment, to escape the ticking clock, to escape reality. “We should just go back to the way things were before. Marzia… She’ll forgive me. Just don’t tell her Jack, don’t fucking tell Signe. She doesn’t deserve any of this.”

 

There was a smile on his face, half broken, half hopeful. It shattered the last pieces of Jack's broken heart.

 

“Jack? Please tell me I’m not fucking everything over right now. Please tell me I’m making it right--”

 

Felix’s expression, as he spoke those last words, was nothing like Jack has ever seen before. His eyebrows arched high in his forehead, his large agonizing eyes reflected pure pain, and his parted lips continued dragging air his lungs were refusing to filter. He could barely breathe at this point. He was in the verge of a breakdown and Jack could clearly tell since he, himself, was nearing one.

 

But Jack was fine, or he at least forced himself to act so. He smiled, a soft tender smile, and approached Felix. His arms wide open, stretched to bring the trembling, broken Swede into an embrace. It felt like a déjà-vu, and it briefly took Jack back to the night they shared that drunken kiss in the coldness of the night street. But not this time; Jack wasn't about to commit that same mistake twice. 

 

“You’re not fucking anything over” He comforted, his hands squeezing Felix's thin body.

 

At that very moment Jack had to let go of his love, his desires, his needs. He had to let go of himself, the part of him that desired this man with every particle of his being, that part of him that drove him to make all the wrong decisions. That part of him that had to go.

 

If he truly loved Felix then it was the right choice to let him go.

 

“I won’t tell her. Don’t worry." Jack smiled, and he felt tears cloud his eyes, yet he couldn't allow himself to cry.

 

The loud announcement blasted throughout the airport declaring the arrival of the plane towards Ireland and the embrace came to an end. Jack barely remembered what happened between then and the moment he found himself occupying his seat inside the plane next to Signe. He barely remembered the look on Felix's face after that embrace. All that he remembered was the sound of the official announcement as he fastened his seat belt, the motions of the plane as it slightly shook, then launched itself into the dense sky clouded by the ongoing rainstorm. 

 

All along there was this one constant voice that repeated itself over and over again in the back of Jack's head, that very sentence, Jack winded up eventually whispering to himself.

 

_“I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine."_

 

Yet he wasn't. Signe was deeply asleep on his shoulder and Jack was silently crying.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Also, comments make everyone happy, especially me!


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